It’s been a while since I’ve done live – actual there-and-then-say-it-and-millions-hear-it – TV.
So I was delighted – and terrified – when BBC One asked me to appear, via a zoom link from my home on the outskirts of Dundee, on their very first Morning Live show.
Even the kids could tell I was nervous.
“Good luck”, two chirruped as they left for school, with the other offering: “Everyone will think you’re a poo.”
Then there was nowhere to hide.
Imagine if you can, sitting in front of your laptop, praying your wifi (temperamental at the best of times) doesn’t let you down.
I’ve no idea what’s supposed to go through your head in such a situation but here’s what went through mine:
“Right, there’s my image beaming back at me on the video. Five minutes until we’re live.
“My forehead is huge. And shiny. I look like the Tefal advert guy.
“What if I swear? What if I can’t help it? I wonder if I’d get fired from Hammer?
“I wonder if I’d get fired from the Tele?
“Don’t be stupid.
“You’ve done live TV – you won’t swear.
“Are you kidding me?
“In the top right corner of the screen you can see the kids’ underpants on the bannister. Do I have time to run and get them off?
“Mum would never forgive me. She’d be like ‘all I could concentrate on was the blinking pants’.
“No, I can’t move – I might miss my slot.
“What if I tilt the screen down a bit?
“That’s it. Excellent.
“Oh look at that (gazing out the window) it’s raining. I forgot to pack the kids’ raincoats.
“I’m going to be known as the mum who’s too interested in going on telly to remember their coats in the pouring rain.
“Oh no, I forgot to tell Auntie Aileen I’m on. Do I have time to text?”
And then . . .
“Hi it’s James the director, Martel you’re on in 30 seconds…”
“My forehead really is enormous. Maybe a fringe is the answer. My mouth is so dry.”
“In three, two, one …”
Presenter Kym Marsh from the studio in London: “Morning Martel, who joins us from her home in Scotland.”
Co-host Gethin Jones: “Thanks for joining us Martel. So, there’s been a bit of a property boom in the UK. What’s behind it?”
And I was off, on autopilot.
I couldn’t tell you what I said, but no one’s sacked me yet so I may have got away with it.