| Because, for as much as TOTP is fondly remembered, the show passed its sell-by-date around the time it received its 3000th revamp. In fact, the only relevance Top of the Pops has had to the past decade is its omnipresence in clip shows such as “We fondly recollect the 60s/70s/80s/90s (delete as applicable)”.
Top of the Pops was part of childhood for anyone born between the Hungarian Revolution and the release of The Phantom Menace (events which both resulted in immense humanitarian tragedy and untold psychological damage) but well, let’s just say it got more embarrassing than Christmas dinner with elderly relatives a long-time ago.
TOTP was always the antithesis of cool.
Its naffness could perhaps have been ignored when it was the only music show in town but with the advent of the Internet, podcasts (whatever they are) and 24-hour music channels Top of the Pop’s time is long gone.
And so, on Sunday this great mainstay of BBC programming was laid to rest, but with a bleedin’ great, specially-extended retrospective spectacular to ensure TOTP went out with a bang! Well, more of a whimper really as the idea of bringing back such luminaries as Sir Jimmy Savile, Tony Blackburn, Pat Sharp and co. only served to highlight how horrendously out-of-date the programme had become.
To kick the final episode off, we were treated to two clips at either end of the TOTP spectrum. Firstly, a recording of the first band to ever perform on TOTP — the Rolling Stones, then “a kind of female Rolling Stones” – the Spice Girls.
No, to be the Rolling Stones you need integrity, talent, credibility and charisma. To be the Spice Girls you need a manipulative marketing department.
I forget which former presenter came out with this line but it was perfectly demonstrative of why no self-respecting music fan has wanted anything to do with this programme for years.
The presenters have always been murder and, true to form, the final show featured some of the most insipid banter in TOTP’s 42-year history. Example:
Pat Sharp: Throughout the 70’s blah, blah, blah…the show became an institution.
Tony Blackburn: You know, some people say you should be in an institution, Pat.
It was like watching Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood present the Brit Awards or witnessing Sarah O and Julyan Whatshisname try and inject a dose of “yoof” into Scottish football.
There were over 150 presenters of the show over the years but even Fearne Cotton, the last-ever regular TOTP anchor, couldn’t be bothered to turn up for the grand closing. Fearne, possibly the most irritating of the 150-plus, chose instead to force scantily-clad egomaniacs into compromising situations whilst the cameras roll.
But, however cringeworthy the presenters got, they were always liquid nitrogen-cool in comparison to the audience. Were this lot even human? Surely no living, breathing homo sapien, blessed with senses, a brain and a soul could take such delight in screaming, “REMEMBER YOU’RE A WOMBLE!!!” to a group of grown-men dressed as cartoon environmentalists and pretending to play instruments and sing (but enough about Coldplay).
So, did the public desert TOTP after wising up and getting a life? No, it’s just there’s Big Brother eviction nights for this type of person to attend nowadays.
Pans People? Obviously, there was very little in the way of titillation on our screens at the time, let alone shameless get-’em-off fleshfests like Ibiza Uncovered, Love Island and Big Brother.
Yup, times have changed but, despite each passing year bringing with it a new presenter, a new look and a new format, Top of the Pops didn’t.
Despite the singles chart now having very little significance and music undergoing a polarisation, TOTP still tried desperately to be all things for all people, keeping very few happy in the process.
Predictably enough, the final instalment made no mention of the fact that Top of the Pops became synonymous with miming. At least the nostalgia-addicts who got busy penning “Bring Back Top of the Pops” within seconds of the final broadcast would mention it, even in that annoying “it was so rubbish it was brilliant” style of media types.
Most people expressing disappointment at the passing are doing so for sentimental reasons and won’t have tuned in for years.
Ratings have plummeted to embarrassing levels so you really have to ask how many people will actually miss it for reasons other than a comforting link to childhood and adolescence.
And what was the last ever number 1 to be featured on British TV’s flagship music programme? “Hips don’t Lie” by Shakira. Say no more. |
