SHAME ON LOWE

Silly old us . . . all this time we’ve been thinking that the main criteria for any club looking to appoint a new manager would be the candidate’s ability to put a winning team out on the park.

How wrong we were, as events at Southampton this week have shown. Accordingly, we have redrawn our profile of the ideal football manager.

Those wishing to apply for the post at St Mary’s need not bother unless they have film star looks, hair done by Trevor Sorbie, suits made to measure by Armani and Gucci shoes — crocodile skin preferable, but not absolutely necessary. Don’t worry if you don’t know your backside from your elbow when it comes to coaching — they can find some minion or other who’ll be happy to work out the unimportant details of who should play and how.

Nope, so long as you are aesthetically pleasing when the Sky or Match Of The Day cameras focus on you in the dugout — always looks good if you unfasten your top button and have a pen and paper in your hand — during games.

Welcome applicants include George Clooney, Ben Affleck, Richard Gere and, at a push, Tom Cruise (though he is a bit on the small side).

Falling into the need-not-bother category are Alex Ferguson, Jose Mourinho (definitely too wee), the balding Rafael Benitez, the bespectacled Martin O’Neill and Alex McLeish — broken nose and red hair is just is not this year’s look.

OK, it sounds ridiculous and maybe it is stretching things a bit too far, but the events on England’s south coast this week would be laughable if it was not for the fact they are dealing with a man’s livelihood and reputation.

The gent concerned, Paul Sturrock, is also one of our own — and you will get no apologies here for showing bias in favour of good guy and talented manager over his former employer, the aloof and distant Rupert Lowe. Apparently, one of the main reasons Lowe — himself unlikely to be voted Britain’s best-dressed man — began having doubts about Luggy’s suitability for the Saints’ job was his scruffy appearance.

Now, love the laddie as we do, not even Michael Jackson’s attorney could defend the former Dundee United and Scotland striker against a charge that he was not the smartest-dressed man ever to leave these shores. As a player, his socks were seldom above half-mast, his shirt never inside his shorts and, when he graduated to the managerial ranks, the preference was for polo shirt and slacks, though, on match days he has always donned a shirt and tie.

Until the crazy situation of the last few months, none of that mattered. What did was the fact that, as a player, he was brilliant and, as a manager, an astute tactician and good judge of a player.

Shame on Lowe for not having the good sense to recognise that beauty — or the lack of it — is only skin deep, and shame on him for the way he has treated Sturrock.

Sporadically, throughout the summer, the English Press have been carrying stories that the manager was under pressure and quoting “insiders” making derogatory and childish remarks about his appearance.

As the greatest-ever Southampton team boss Laurie McMenemy alluded to in the wake of this week’s events, such stories and the club’s parting with their sixth manager in six seasons says more about the ability of the club’s board than it does the sartorial elegance of the latest man to depart.

To be just as petty as some of those on the south coast — I laughed when I saw them lose to Bolton in midweek and I’ll laugh again if they finish the season in the relegation places.

Predictions

Aberdeen v. Livingston — home; Celtic v. Rangers — home; Dundee United v. ICT — home; Hibs v. Dundee — home; Kilmarnock v. Dunfermline — home; Motherwell v. Hearts — away.